my original belief used to be that as long as you are a decent good person without any intentions to hurt others, you'll be fine. meaning that no matter what religion u follow, no matter how flawed u are as a person(stubborn, short-tempered, basically all the imperfections of a human), you will not be damned to hell. to me, it used to be that there are so many religions and so many hells and heavens that comes with them, but they teach one main thing: to love and to be kind, and that would be all that we had to follow.
however, this belief was recently shaken with my grandmother's passing. she was a buddhist. i thought that because she was a good lady who never really harmed anyone directly, she would be at peace and with God/Buddha, but throughout her 5-day funeral service, there were so many things to follow(offering incense, chanting etc.) to ensure she moves on and i developed this fear that if these rituals and rules weren't followed properly, she would go to hell/not be able to move on.
i'm an anxious person. i get fixated on things. on the final 2 nights of her funeral service we had to sit down and chant from some scripture books to help my grandma move on(again, what happens if there's no one doing that? say a buddhist that doesn't have a family who knows to follow these customs/a buddhist with no family/a person of any other religion?). while reciting some of the scriptures, though difficult, i briefly read something about how humans are imperfect for wanting good things, being lustful, and basically all the things in human nature that makes us flawed and of course, all the very specific different kinds of hell that comes with.
it feels like we're all comforting ourselves that my grandma is resting in peace now but this huge part of me has this crippling fear that my grandma(as well as the rest of us) will not rest in peace and instead be suffering at the end of our lives for being imperfect humans.
i'm only 22, and i start having this intense fear of doing virtually anything as a human. i'm afraid of not being wise and selfless like old monks, i'm afraid of wanting to strive for anything, or ranting about any dissatisfaction, feeling upset by things, having fun, treating myself with self-love and basically anything at all.
i feel so crippled by the fear i wake up unhappy and afraid to live and afraid to die as well. it's consuming me so much and i'm deathly afraid of it because i'm spiralling. the more i read and research the more afraid and unsettled i get. i even read that feeling fear and anxiety is bad and i'll also be damned for that.
could someone kind enough maybe please offer me some words of comfort and lead me back to a rational mindset? i've been buddhist since birth but like i said above i've always thought of buddhism as a religion about love, forgiveness and karma. karma meaning if you do something bad, you can something on par in return. not in a sense that if i feel anxious, live in fear i get reborn as an animal living in fear. that just makes me feel the whole religion is so scary like one misstep or one imperfection as a human and you'll be damned.
this is still a grieving period for my family and i want to be there for my mother for the loss of my grandmother but i'm so scared right now. i want to be able to cheer her up, treat ourselves to nice meals and desserts, watch movies and basically just have fun like a human living their best lives but after reading into buddhism i feel like that's all wrong and there is no forgiveness like there is in Christianity or something else.
Maybe I got the whole perception wrong but could somebody please help me? I'm not trolling so please use kind words. Thank you so much.
4 Answers
I hope SN 42.6 quoted below will give you comfort. A person's actions while they were alive determines their outcome, and not rituals performed after death.
Then Asibandhaka’s son the chief went up to the Buddha, bowed, sat down to one side, and said to him:
“Sir, there are western brahmins draped with moss who carry pitchers, immerse themselves in water, and serve the sacred flame. When someone has passed away, they truly lift them up, raise them up, and guide them along to heaven. But what about the Blessed One, the perfected one, the fully awakened Buddha: is he able to ensure that the whole world will be reborn in a good place, a heavenly realm when their body breaks up, after death?”
"Well then, chief, I’ll ask you about this in return, and you can answer as you like.
What do you think, chief? Take a person who doesn’t kill living creatures, steal, or commit sexual misconduct. They don’t use speech that’s false, divisive, harsh, or nonsensical. And they’re contented, kind-hearted, and have right view. And a large crowd comes together to offer up prayers and praise, circumambulating them with joined palms and saying: ‘When this person’s body breaks up, after death, may they be reborn in a place of loss, a bad place, the underworld, hell!’ What do you think, chief? Would that person be reborn in hell because of their prayers?”
“No, sir.”
“Chief, suppose a person were to sink a pot of ghee or oil into a deep lake and break it open. Its shards and chips would sink down, while the ghee or oil in it would rise up. And a large crowd was to come together to offer up prayers and praise, circumambulating it with joined palms and saying: ‘Sink, good ghee or oil! Descend, good ghee or oil! Go down, good ghee or oil!” What do you think, chief? Would that ghee or oil sink and descend because of their prayers?”
“No, sir.”
“In the same way, take a person who doesn’t kill living creatures, steal, or commit sexual misconduct. They don’t use speech that’s false, divisive, harsh, or nonsensical. And they’re contented, kind-hearted, and have right view. Even though a large crowd comes together to offer up prayers and praise … when their body breaks up, after death, they’re reborn in a good place, a heavenly realm.”
When he said this, Asibandhaka’s son the chief said to the Buddha, “Excellent, sir! … From this day forth, may the Buddha remember me as a lay follower who has gone for refuge for life.”
Have no fear, please read SN 55.22 for some insight from the Buddha.
"Suppose a tree were leaning toward the east, slanting toward the east, inclining toward the east. When its root is cut, which way would it fall?"
"In whichever way it was leaning, slanting, and inclining, Lord."
"In the same way, Mahanama, a disciple of the noble ones, when endowed with four qualities, leans toward Unbinding, slants toward Unbinding, inclines toward Unbinding."
In general, the Buddha taught two types of Dhamma, namely:
(i) Dhamma for monks; and
(ii) dhamma for lay people.
The Dhamma for monks (and for a minority of very committed laypeople) is about ending lust and leads to Nibbana.
The dhamma for laypeople is about being good (non-harmful) and leads to 'heaven', as follows:
The ascetics (monks) and brahmans thus ministered to as the Zenith by a householder show their compassion towards him in six ways:
(i) they restrain him from evil,
(ii) they persuade him to do good,
(iii) they love him with a kind heart,
(iv) they make him hear what he has not heard,
(v) they clarify what he has already heard,
(vi) they point out the path to a heavenly state.
Sigalovada Sutta: The Layperson's Code of Discipline
The path to the heavenly state above is to honor the Buddha, Dhamma & Noble Sangha and to follow the Five Precepts, as explained in the Abhisanda Sutta: Rewards:
Monks, there are these eight rewards of merit, rewards of skillfulness, nourishments of happiness, celestial, resulting in happiness, leading to heaven, leading to what is desirable, pleasurable & appealing, to welfare & happiness. Which eight?
1. Gone to the Buddha for refuge...
2. Gone to the Dhamma for refuge...
3. Gone to the Sangha for refuge...
4. Abstains from taking life...
5. Abstains from taking what is not given (stealing)...
6. Abstains from illicit sex...
7. Abstains from lying...
8. Abstains from taking intoxicants [causing carelessness]...
Other Buddhist practises leading to heaven include generosity (Iti 26) & honoring parents (Iti 106).
Having given much food as offerings
To those most worthy of offerings,
The donors go to heaven
On departing the human state.
Having gone to heaven they rejoice,
And enjoying pleasures there,
The unselfish experience the result
Of generously sharing with others.
Iti 26
When he performs such service
For his mother and his father,
They praise that wise person even here
And hereafter he rejoices in heaven.
Iti 106
Therefore, you can and should cheer your mother up, treat yourselves to nice meals and desserts, watch movies and basically have some fun. This, in itself, will not prevent you from heaven.
Rights and rituals cannot determine the place one is born as in Asi,bandhaka,putta Sutta. But one can offer merit to the departed.
(a) offering to relatives,
(b) offering to guests,
(c) offering to the departed,
(d) offering to the king [the government], and
(e) offering to devas.
Adiya Sutta
Offering you ones departed relative can be material or practice offering with strong thoughts of passing merit before, during and after making the offering.
In some traditions, two different types of offerings are identified:
- material or hospitality offerings (Pali: amisa-puja or sakkara-puja)
- practice offerings (Pali: patipatti-puja[17])
In this context, material offerings are considered external offerings of "words and deeds."
Practice offerings may be manifested by practicing:
- giving (Pali: dāna)
- moral conduct (sīla)
- meditation (samādhi)
- wisdom (pañña)
In the Pali Canon, the Buddha declared practice offerings as "the best way of honoring the Buddha" and as the "supreme" offering. This is primarily an internal offering for mental development (Pali: citta, bhāvanā and samādhi).
Offering (Buddhism)
